charlie alpha romeo oscar lima yankee november

Apr. 30th, 2005

04:30 pm

I dont know what the fuck my problem is lately. I cant even hang out with my supposed best friend without at least once throwing a cheap shot in there to hurt her feelings. Its only started the within the last 3 weeks or so. Its like Im miserable, so I try to hurt other people too. Thats the stupidest thing I could do. At least I recognize I have a problem now. And I try to go out and be social with new people, cause me and Auto dont really have other friends. We have people we kick it with occasionally, but thats it. But hanging out with new people doesnt work...I wind up drinking too much and then I say shit I shouldnt, think everyone looks hot, etc. Then someone drives my drunk ass home where I puke some and crash out. Thats why I wont hang out with people so much anymore.

Oh, my alcoholism knows no bounds.

And its everything else too...I come home from work everyday tense, sore and irritated, usually with a headache. Something Ive learned from waitressing this long is that people are gross. Theyre disgusting and needy and pushy and selfish. Sometimes I want to punch someone at one of my tables, and judging by the current instablility of my mind and my life, I think its a real possibility I might.

I need change. I can feel a big one coming on. I can usually tell when something is going to happen...womens intuition or whatever. I feel it now. I dont even care that Im losing my best friend and that my family and my boss are all worried about me. I dont feel anything else, all I feel is this change coming on. Its odd. I think thats another problem of mine. Istead of reacting to things normally, with only mild sadness or anger, or whatever emotion the situation calls for, I react ten times more strongly.I think I feel things differently , more strongly, than others. Or maybe everyone else just hides it better, or has a better way of reacting to things. My mind races, it goes a thousand miles a minute, and I think about ten different things at once.

There has to be a medicine for something like this. I need some perscription drugs or something because Im afraid Ill start to self medicate myself again with all the drugs and drinking. I dont want to do that or be like that anymore.

I waste time on this fucking thing cause I cant tell anyone what I really think about anything. I doubt theyd listen for long enough anyway.

Apr. 21st, 2005

01:50 pm - i want a boy whos so drunk he doesnt talk

things are so strange right now. usually when my life is in chaos, as it is right now, i change something. I get my nails redone, i dye my hair, i shop for new complete outfits. but this time none of that will do, ive tried it. except i didnt just do one, i did all of them...(I like having a job where I make money) something big is going to happen soon, i know it. im not much of a think-things-out kind of girl. so when i get the impulse to leave, im going to. dead serious this time. i cant do this to myself anymore.

i dont know why my heart hurts over this shit, but it does. i didnt even realize i cared until id already fucked everything up. (im great at that) i think this is my karma. but his will come to him too. shes not as pretty as i am, or as fun. ha, dont you wish your gf was hot like me? shes such a loser, ugh. dependent girls make me nauseous.

we went bowling the other night with a friend from work, it was fun. and funny.
guys are so gross down here "what it is hoe, whats up?"

even though it sucks, im proud of my life, and the things ive done.
and the loner ive become.

these kids from one of my classes were trying to get me to drink this shit, i dont know what it is, i cant remember but it makes you hallucinate, and kind trip out. i wish i wouldve, cause then maybe i could hallucinate myself back to when i was happy. i think its supposed to be baned in the US. i think im going to get a really big bottle of tequila tonight and drink as much as i can. drinking helps a little.

driving with your hazards on is the new thing.

Current Music: american football

Apr. 8th, 2005

03:50 pm - sierra thinks im crazy

this girl sierra at my work thinks shes dr phil, no joke. she is always analyzing everything and everyone when she has no place to do it. she doesnt even know me and she thinks she can tell me what i need to do to solve the problems she thinks i have. bullshit.

everything is much better and much worse than you all think. dont worry, everything will be sorted out. i will eventually figure out what im going to do and eventually get all my shit together. i just dont even know where to begin with it all. right now i am just kinda getting by. doing the same shit every day. doing what everyone else wants me to.

such as going into work tonight because one of the dumb whores on night crew called out AGAIN. every night at least one calls out. why arent they fired? because they suck dick for their jobs. hm.

im so sick of all the harlotry and drama and rumors. conicidentally, so is lindsay lohan.

you would think that if you thought hard enough about something, and wanted it bad enough, that you could will someone into doing something. i guess not, though.

Mar. 23rd, 2005

02:54 pm - reinventing the wheel to run myself over

I love Say Anything. The best CD Ive bought in a really long time. Its one that has to grow on you, but Im glad it did.

I dont think I believe in karma anymore. I used to try to be so good to people, I was so convinced that stuff came back to me, etc. But I think now that bad things happen just because Im stupid. There is no karma. Because if all the stupid shit we all did came back to us, then my life would be a disaster on an everyday basis, as would everyone elses. Bad things happen to me because Im a dumbass and I dont always make the best decisions. There we go.

Spring break was okay...I had to work so we couldnt go anywhere fun, but it was fun anyway. I was the drunkest Ive ever been on Friday, it sucked on Saturday morning. I havent had a hangover like that in awhile. We kept playing this game, I dont even know what its called. But obviously, I lost bad. I really shouldnt be allowed to drink, cause then I want to talk about things I really shouldnt. And everyone looks good to me drunk. My standards go way way down. Thank god Autumn wasnt drinking too. She kept me in line. Except for my mouth...I jabbered a lot and embrassed her. Im so sorry!!!

My anthro instructor is pissing me off so much. Its my major, and I have never gotten anything less than an A in any anthro class Ive taken. But I failed the last test because hes a jackass and wants us to do definitions EXACTLY as they are in the book. How fucking dumb is that? If I clearly know what Im talking about, whats the problem? Do I really need to use the 8 syllable words to show you my intelligence or can I keep it simple...he doesnt even speak English that well! I think the reason he wants those definitions is because that the only way he can tell if its right or not, because he cant read anything else. Stupid Greek bastard.

Sierra, Maureen, Autumn and i have devised a plan....Christys going down. She is such a prostitute. The only reason she still has her job is cause she has a vagina and shell let anyone use it.

Current Music: say anything- alive with the glory of love

Mar. 8th, 2005

09:03 am - serial kisser

I feel sick this morning, I woke up with a headache and everything hurts and is tense. But my bills wont pay themseles, so alas, I will go to work.

There really isnt much to say right now except working 2 jobs is the stupidest thing Ive done in a long time. Unfortunately, its necessary.

I want to break your heart.

Feb. 28th, 2005

08:57 pm - the heart is deceitful above all things

ive finished the book that is my subject, by jt leroy. beautiful. i had been sneaking into barnes and noble to read it, because i couldnt afford to spend 15 bucks to buy it, how damn patheitc is that? at leaat im honest about my lameness. but then yesterday we took my bro to the mall to look for new shirts and we stopped in the bookstore, and there it was, on sale for $4 because there was a tiny marker mark on it. hell yes. i bought it. and finished it last night. hes a great writer, hes descriptive in a very creative way.

then tonight after work me and autumn went over to these girls from work's apartment, sierra and maureen. theyre really funny and sweet, and theyre a lot like us, very sarcastic and kick back. see what happens when you give some people a chance? i need to do this more often.

my hip hurts cause i got a shot in it today and its paiiinnnful. they let a trainee nurse give it to me. who does that?

i ditched class tonight to be social. i havent done that in forever. maybe im becoming more normal. and i keep blaming all my problems on this city and maybe the problem is myself. and i dont do certain things anymore because they scare me but maybe im scared of myself. everything stems from my fucked up head. i think i need to get my head shrunk.

i miss writing. i miss my journal. i miss the way i never worried excessively about anything. i miss being loud and obnoxious (kmk motherfucker, lol)

im going to get a puppy. its a baby beagle and its sosososo cute, i love him to death. i want a beagle so bad cause thats what i had as a kid and i miss it. theyre the cutest to me and thts what im getting.

also, its so obvious when youre talking to a guy and hes seeing right through you, and not listening at all. i dont want to talk to him anymore because he has a listening problem and doesnt care about knowing anything about me except whenther or not im gonna fuck him later. and no, i wont. go to hell. bastard.

im going to sleep. tired. night.

Feb. 9th, 2005

11:25 pm - oh it hurts to be this good

things are so strange right now. everything always hits me all at once, it never comes individually, or in spurts like normal people's stuff.
i have a speech to give and 25 paintings to memorize complete info about for next week. i should really start studying those, but no. i procrastinate.
we went to a basketball game tonight and the teams fought each other, it was weird.
and they made fun of me because I knew what was knee high by the fourth of july.
this past week my whole world has changed, whether it be for good or bad.
i guess we just keep on living either way.

i started waitressing and i really like it.
these drunk 70 year old men are worse than young guys with their innuendos and their obvious advances. its sickening but if you put up with it you get a 16 dollar tip.

this weekend is more motox races...totally going. its amateur shit but theyre giving away big prizes for the winners instead of like 1000 dollar checks. its like a tour through the west. could be pretty sick.

then kottonmouth kings next friday, with domy and autumn, and pry niki.
mardi gras is happening and i want to be there but since i cant im going to a mardi gras party.
i hope i dont have to flash anyone.
just keep me away from alcohol and ill be fine.
the last time i was really drunk was off hypnotiq (or whatever , however you spell it) and hennessey. sososo good together.

you know what else? i can just kind of tell with this one. i never say that either, because im weird and think that if i say good things, it will go away, so i say nothing good and ruin it.
but seriously. i knew. and i still know. theres a reason for things like this.
and the weirdness thats going on right now will fix itself.
maybe im wrong, and it will all pass and ill use people for another year and then say the same thing about a new one. but i dont think i am. theres a reason. there has to be. because if there is no such thing, then its all too weird. its not even only in this situation. its with everything. sometimes things just fall into place and you have no idea how it happened, or why, but it works.
i hope autto is right. shes never been that great a judge of character, thats always been me, but i hope for once shes right.

Current Music: the sound of settling

Feb. 5th, 2005

01:10 am - autumn needs to turn down the auttitude lol

just like "patrick needs to turn down the patitude"
well, we thought it was funny, anyway.
pete from fob is the sickest.

things are so strange, i cant begin to explain.

garrett and jenni give bad advice, lol.
its okay, though. i figure that nothing really important has messed up in my life lately, so its high time something became a disaster.
except for the whole job thing.
but I have a new one now, thank God.
except for the fact that ive never waitressed before, cant remember what anyone orders, and dont know how to ring things up in the computer or make margaritas, things are going smoothly.

i dont know why im not like everyone else in these things. rarely do i write "today i did this and that." sorry. maybe ill make an attempt sometime. if i ever have something really important to say.

Current Music: muse

Jan. 18th, 2005

03:43 pm - we can be like onions and peppers in our sleeping bag fajitas

too much of the honorary title makes me sleepy.

this weekend was so much fun. friday night it was boom boom huckjam, but we only went for the motox, cause skateboarding and bmx is kinda lame. we saw brian deegan and faisst and 2 other people do their shit, it was so awesome. then saturday we went to supercross, and tyler evans did okay, but then he wrecked and got hurt so he didnt win. i was sad. but i saw chad reed, and a bunch of other people. i loved it.

i start school tonight, yuck. i get really excited about school, like i make all these plans to do really well, and then when the time comes to actually do it, i dont want to. i guess im burned out on school. ive been going since i was 5, i think i need a break....lets see, thats 14 years. yeah. i know i have to go though.

looked at apartments today and found 2 we like. exciting. i cant wait.

Current Music: honorary title (still- i love it)

Jan. 2nd, 2005

04:31 pm - everyone should do this if they get as bored as i do on sundays

Directions:
1. Put your playlist on random.
2. Pick lines from the first 25 songs that play.
3. Post and let people guess what song the lines come from.
4. Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.
5. No Googling.

1) "so everybody put your best suit or dress on,let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once,lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
as thirty dialogues bleed into one."

2)"And I bet you've got every word I said memorized in your head, and you'll use every one of them against me."

3)"I'm feeling green like teenage lovers between the sheets"

4)"theres a hole in the trust that we mapped out in my bed for six long months"

5) "We do the best we can in a small town, act like big city kids when the sun goes down"

6) "Love is like a role that we play."

7) "you want apologies? girl, you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever, forever. the only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips,i hope they taste of me forever"

8) "We'll tie up our arms with my cancer and your charm"

9)"Didn't think we'd ever make it this close to safety in one piece. Now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe save us from sleep and what we are"

10)"Cause I don't got room in my life for anyone else, and I've driven away all the people that could help. And I still don't even know what I need to do to fix myself"

11)"and Im filling in the empty spces where you, you left your mark."

12) "You, you're so damn sure. If you're so sure, well you're dreaming again"

13)"I pretend this razor is your lips and you're finding ways to kiss me
deeply on the wrists"

14) "I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips"

15) "You said it's dangerous to be so intimate, You know it's dangerous, dangerous, dangerous."

16)"Your tongue in my mouth,trying to keep the words from coming out. You didn't care to know who else may have been here before. I want a lover I don't have to love, I want a girl who's to sad to give a fuck"

17) "please don't make me cry, i'm just like you, i know you know,i'm just like you so leave me alone"

18) "miles of air and road and land separate me from all my plans, were havin' havin' havin' havin' fun but something-something tells me i miss someone"

19)"hey rise and shine and open up your eyes to give this world some color"

20) "and when the answer that you want is in the question that you state"

21) "I wish I could get my head out of the sand cuz I think we'd make a good team, and you would keep my fingernails clean. But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize cuz I can't even look in your eyes without shaking, and I ain't faking.I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon."

22) "shut out what they say, cuz youre friends are fucked up anyway."

23) "you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex, a stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting, and I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving"

24) "If I could I would shrink myself, sink through your skin to your blood cells, remove whatever makes you hurt,but I am too weak to be your cure"

25)"Well I'll give you candy, give you diamonds, give you pills, I'll give you anything you want, hundred-dollar bills and I'll even let you watch the shows you wanna see, cuz you married me, married me, married me"

Im not expecting anyone to guess even half of these, because a) I dont allow comments due to an incident last year, so itd have to come through email and b) Im sort of an elitist when it comes to music anyway, so I doubt any of you will know these unless you heard them on your top 40 radio. Sorry, I just find most pop to be bullshit, really vapid and shallow. They dont even write their own music.

Charlie starts his new school tomorrow and I know hes scared. Yeah, his 5th school in 5 years. Something is fucked up here. We went out and let him pick out a couple more new Tshirts today from Urban Outfitters. I love that store. He does too, he thinks its funny.

In the past few days, everything has hit me all at once. The realization that, yes, I am an adult, and that I have to do things now Ive never even given thought to before, like paying electric bills and rent. I feel so alone since theyve gone across town. I know its in the same city but its still 45 mins to an hour away. I never saw them anyway when they were in the same town, so why does it bother me? I dont know. But I realzied that you know what? Everyone is alone, in the end. And even now, we are all inherently alone. We may be with people, and have those that comfort us when we need it, but everything that happens to us, all the good and the bad, is ours alone.

I dont want to think or feel anymore. Im going to sleep, I think.

P.S. If I hear 1 more 14 year old say "thats hot" , I swear.

Current Music: honorary title

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